Sometimes we end up doing far more damage to ourselves than they ever did and that is a sad truth about child abuse. It’s common for victims of child abuse to continue feeling they deserve to be abused long after the original abusers are gone. We might seek out replacements or we may take on the role ourselves and I recognized this in myself early on. I was self harming in ways I won’t go into detail about, but it was incredibly damaging to my body and psyche.

One of the most twisted songs from my favorite German poet/harmonica player, Till Lindemann, seems to be about two people: a torturer and his victim. Yet a deeper dive into the lyrics shows that it very well could be the inner dialogue of someone who self harms.

I’d put a “warning” label on this but if you are at ALL familiar with Rammstein, one isn’t necessary and if you aren’t?

Willkommen…

As for the lyrics, they’re not for the faint of heart either but it’s intriguing how he wrote them to seem as if it’s two people when it really could just be one:

[Verse 1]
You are alive just for me
I stick medals in your face
You are completely devoted to me
You love me, because I don’t love you
You bleed for my salvation
A small cut and you become horny
Your body, now totally disfigured
No matter, what is allowed, happens

[Chorus]
I hurt you
It doesn’t hurt me
It’s good for you
Listen how it screams

[Verse 2]
With you I have to option to torture
Barbed wire in the urethra
Put your flesh in salt and pus
First you die, but then you live on
Bites, kicks, hard punches
Needle, pliers, dull saw
Whatever you wish, I don’t say no
And insert rodents into you

[Chorus]
I hurt you
It doesn’t hurt me
It’s good for you
Listen how it screams
I hurt you
It doesn’t hurt me
It’s good for you
Listen how it screams

[Bridge 1]
You are the ship, I’m the captain
What’s the destination of the journey?
I see your face in the mirror
You love me, because I don’t love you

[Chorus]
I hurt you
It doesn’t hurt me
It’s good for you
Listen how it screams
I hurt you
It doesn’t hurt me
It’s good for you
Listen how it screams

The “I see your face in the mirror” gives it away that it’s someone hurting themselves, to me at least. The way they detach (how IT screams) and justify (it’s good for you!) is typical of self harming victims. They truly believe they deserve it and will do all sorts of things, sometimes unspeakable things, to themselves as punishment for simply existing.

The amount of self hatred it takes to do these things is almost inconceivable yet no one is born loathing themselves. It’s something they’re taught. A repeating mantra of lies fills our heads and I’d love to encourage other victims to unlearn these awful lies so they can see that the truth is, they matter.

The thought that millions of us struggle with self loathing and self abuse is hard to accept but it is our collective reality. I’ve learned healthier ways to cope and I am grateful for that. I hope and pray all victims do the same.